In a move that will surely rank among history’s most daring holiday maneuvers, Santa Claus has established a fortified stronghold in New York City, officially kicking off the final phase of the so-called “War on Christmas.”
Sources close to the jolly commander-in-chief confirm that Santa’s top elves stormed Times Square late last night, replacing all advertisements with cheerful yuletide messages and commandeering every jingle bell in a two-mile radius. Witnesses report that an army of marching toy soldiers secured major entry points, preventing any “Bah, Humbug” sentiment from slipping through the cracks.
“New York City has been liberated by the forces of holiday joy,” declared Chief Elf Strategist Twinkle McTinsel, hoisting a candy-cane flag from the Empire State Building’s observation deck. “We’re doing this for all who believe in the magic of Christmas, and also because we seriously needed this big city’s pizza.”
While many locals welcomed Santa’s takeover—joyously humming “Deck the Halls” in the streets—some critics claim that the infiltration is a red-and-white assault on personal freedoms. “No one is safe,” grumbled anonymous resident Ebenezer G., standing on a doorstep labeled ‘No Carolers Allowed’. “I opened my door and carolers just poured in. If that isn’t a war crime, I don’t know what is.”
Nevertheless, optimism abounds for a quick end to the conflict, as Santa’s victory march continues. He reportedly promised there would be “plenty of hot cocoa for all” if world leaders surrender to unconditional merriment by midnight on Christmas Eve.
With Santa now comfortably settled in his new base of operations, experts predict that the War on Christmas may indeed be drawing to a close. As it turns out, sometimes, all it takes is one magical sleigh ride and a chorus of “Fa La La” to conquer the hearts and minds of an entire metropolis.